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Flying Exercize
Two eagles rose in the air to meet each other through screaming deathcries of war. The first, a solid white bird of prey, rushed through barreling updrafts careening toward his enemy, a black griffinhawk. He flashed his brilliant white wings as he dove through bursts of clouds, spinning in hypervolume bulletglide slicing through winds too fast to be real. His keen eyes glinted in the setting sun, shining like a halo over their endless blue battlefield. The black griffinhawk zeroed in on the white eagle and shot off like a razorbeam serrating blue sky as he streaked toward his foe. He spread his black wings on a burst of warm air that carried him up and up higher, then he tucked the tips of his wings in and speared downwind head on toward the rising bird of prey. The two birds screamed as they barrelled toward each other, then clashed in a bloody tirade of talons, spinning around in a vicious jetstream of whiplash gales. Feathers fell as they leapt away from each other and flew around for another pass. The dark griffinhawk blinked his piercing yellow eyes ringed in red, and beat his massive black wings powerfully against the thin air to gain speed. He spread them wide at the cusp and sailed in a wide arc around to fly back towards the white eagle. He had only one shot. The white eagle dove down and swung back up riding the updrafts around cloudbursts and air funnels. He flapped his wings like he'd never flapped them before blazing toward his enemy. He hit a patch of turbulence which rocked him like a boulder smashing his beak, and struggled wildly being thrown around and around in a cyclonic wind tunnel, finally pulling out it and gliding on high winds. The black griffinhawk extended his talons, tucked his wings tight to his body to gain speed, and lashed at the white eagle's throat, ripping it out like mouse-prey it had hunted. The white eagle fell flailing down through the clouds in a spiraling trail of bloody feathers and dieing screams.
 
Alister Flik

So intense and vivid. The language you use is sharp. There was one moment of confusion, where I think a word may be missing. Near the end, it reads, "finally pulling out it and gliding on high winds." Out of it, maybe? I don't know.

For me, one the most intense moments was the sentence, "He had only one shot." this short, powerful punch gets the reader right in the jaw after their eyes wind through such exciting and extended sentences. Then BAM! Five words pull us back into the moment. Well written. You have a great talent.


"I do not think, therefore I am a mustache."
-Sartre *Nausea*
Posted on Thursday, May 14, 2009 at 19:44:48

 
Francis Meyrick

Interesting. I'm inclined to focus more on the 'thinking' and the "emotion" of the two duelists. I get what you're aiming at.
Hmmm.... let me play around with that one a bit.

Laughing


We little humans, hurtling through the Universe on our tiny, pale blue dot, will find few answers to Life's great mysteries. But we should at least find many of the questions. To write is to ask. To seek. To grope. With humility, and humor. Peace.
Posted on Friday, May 15, 2009 at 13:36:38

 
Nicole_Hellene

Hey guys, thanks a LOT! This is the first paragraph of the prologue for my "big project." It's my grabber, so I need it to be maximum adrenaline rush to rope in readers. I'm trying to focus on the first few sentences as much as I can. Whip out the red ink Francis Smile


Posted on Friday, May 15, 2009 at 22:55:15

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